Abuse. What is abuse in a relationship? Honestly, I hate the word abuse; probably because I am still in denial, but that is not the point. Abuse can be so many things and it can mean so many different things to different people. The definition of abuse according to Google is
1. use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse. 2. treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. 3. speak in an insulting and offensive way to or about (someone).
According to this definition most people have probably gone through some sort of abuse in their lives. To know if you are/were going through physical, emotional, or verbal abuse in a relationship can be a little tough to know. If you are someone like me who over analyzes everything you might feel like you talk yourself in circles about this with your significant other or family member. If that is the case then, just maybe you will want to think long and hard about everything because you might be suffering from a form of abuse.
Why am I writing today?
Here is the thing. It took me a long time to realize it, but in my previous relationship I was dealing with abuse on some level on a daily basis. I rationalized the abuse each and every time. It was a hard decision to walk away, but I know that I did the right thing. Writing all of this down is hard for me, just as was writing down my story about choosing adoption for my daughter. (To read more on that Go Here.)
So here I go.
Know that it is unacceptable for someone to violate your body, mind, or spirit. Be a survivor. Please. -Deciphering Morgan
My Experience With Domestic Violence (Abuse)
I was in a pretty serious relationship with my ex-significant other for seven years. In that seven years we lived together for six years, during which time we battled through living off of very little money and giving up a daughter for adoption. Things never came especially easy for us and 90% of the relationship only one of us would have a steady job at a time. It was very short-lived when we both had jobs and only had one car. I would love to be able to tell you that things were pretty perfect at the beginning, but that is not the truth and I am not going to sugar coat anything here today.
No, today is a day for truth, and honesty because I want to be able to help some other woman or man realize that they are not alone and that they are not the only ones out there rationalizing their relationship.
From the beginning there was a decent amount of fighting between the two of us. Our fights were loud and angry. There was a lot of shouting and occasionally hands would be put on each other. I am admitting that not only did he put his hands on me, but that I also put my hands on him. I never really had a chance against him, but some of the things he would say would really make my blood boil.
…he made me feel worthless and for the longest time I really believed that I deserved everything he said and did to me.
I always hated and dreaded these “arguments” that we would have. They would begin with him being angry about something I did or something I did not do. He would snap at me and raise his voice. When he would do this I would curl up, cower, and not speak. I did not know what else to do. I hate fighting. I hate confrontation. And I have always dealt with arguments poorly (just ask my parents). My reaction to him raising his voice always made him even more angry.
I could never find the right words to express what I was thinking or feeling at the time; that there caused fights on top of fights. It was those moments when he would move closer. He would get in my face. It has been almost a year now and I can still feel his hot breath against my skin, hear his heated words ring in my ears, and feel his strong hands on my body. I know it is all over now, but those things never leave. They will forever scar my memory.
I am stronger now knowing that I am not alone. I know that I left him and I am a stronger person because of it. I came here today planning on telling you more intimate details about my story, but now I realize I have said all of the important details. You do not need to hear about the times I was hurt, or the specific fights that are crystal clear in my memory.
You are NOT alone. You are NOT trash.
Your abuser might tell you any such things, but know that they are not true. I went far too long believing his lies, trusting him unconditionally and blindly because I felt like I had no other option. I was weak, but I am NOT weak any longer. I am strong and I will persevere despite any road blocks that are thrown into my path.
If you feel like you have no way out, or no one who can help you then you should reach out to the Domestic Violence Hotline. I found a way out on my own, but it was not easy. People are out there who will help you. Take advantage of what they can offer for you. Feel free to reach out to me if you just need an ear or if you would like to share your story. I am here for you because I know what it is like to feel completely alone.
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