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Infertility at 37 Hard Choices

June 16, 2013 by Melissa Cwynar 2 Comments

infertility

IVF BUB…. (Photo credit: Nina Matthews Photography)

I feel like many of you know me well, especially since I have shared with you all so much about my infertility issues with PCOS, Endometriosis and I shared the story of my miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies.

Now I come to you and ask all the readers of Parsimonious Pash for their heartfelt opinions. Recently my husband and I have found out our insurance will fully pay for in-vitro fertilization, also known as IVF.  IVF is when the eggs are fertilized outside the body and then returned to the woman’s uterus.  As you know since I had two ectopic pregnancies, I no longer have fallopian tubes. So there is no chance what so ever of me getting pregnant via any traditional means.

My husband is 40 has 3 kids to a previous marriage, I am like stated 37 and have my two beautiful daughters you read all about. Not to mention we have guardianship of an 18 year old boy, who will be leaving us soon for the Navy.

Everyone tells us we have it made because our kids are almost grown, I don’t really consider a 9 year old almost grown, but eh, what can you say to some people.

Now this is one of the hardest decisions of my life. I never felt like I was done being a mother, or having babies, I just felt as if I was robbed of my choices. I always wanted 5 kids. I know many people may think that is nuts, but you have to understand me to understand how this would be normal. I live and breathe the whole Mommy thing. I don’t think I was ever cut out to be anything but a mother. I love every single thing about it. I love the house taking care of the house, the kids, the cooking; it’s what I think I was put on this earth for.

pregnancy test
pregnancy test (Photo credit: Konstantin Lazorkin)

My husband is on the fence, while he wants to make me happy and give me that bond we lack between each other by having a child of our own. Sometimes it’s hard to be a blended family of his and mine without the ours.

We have been talking about this for almost 2 weeks now and we are not even sure how our families would take it, but, we did ask my kids about it since they do live with us and they are all for it. Well, at first the youngest was not for it because she thought she would no longer be mommy’s baby.  Well, I put that fear to rest quickly.

Knowing some of my background and knowing what I have been through, I am asking all the readers here if they would please take a moment of their time and give me an opinion of what they feel. I am really struggling with this.

I have sat long and hard wrapped up in my own thoughts to make sure it’s not my desire to just have a child due to the fact I can’t have a child traditionally. Yeah know, basically one of those you always want what you can’t have type things, and I truly know in my heart it’s not that.

miscarriage ritual (Photo credit: subvert.com)

My husband is worried about health problems I have, because I do have the early stages of heart disease but I have made all the chances needed to be made, I take my medication and I know the cardiologist would give the okay, it’s just a husband basically worried about his wife, and rightfully so, but I would never do it without the cardiologists okay, which I know will not be a problem.

He worries because my pregnancy with Amber was high risk. But that was also over 9 years ago. Our bodies do a major change every 7 years and I am willing to go through all horrible things it did to my body, to have another baby. When pregnant with her I had vitamin deficiencies so bad because she was taking every ounce out of me, she was fine, and I was a wreck. I even lost a lot of hair. So much for that beautiful mane we are supposed to get during pregnancy, I looked horrible! Lol But, I got over it and my hair grew back, small price to pay for that beautiful bundle of love I have had the pleasure to raise these past 9 years.

So I need your help… This is a major cry for help… I want your opinions. Do you think we should go forward and have that baby I have longed to have all these years or should I just be thankful I have these two beautiful children and give up?

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Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: Ectopic pregnancy, Endometriosis, Fallopian tube, In vitro fertilisation, Infertility, Miscarriage, Mother, Parsimonious Pash, Polycystic ovary syndrome, Pregnancy

The Struggle of 12 Miscarriages and 2 Ectopic Pregnancies

June 14, 2013 by Melissa Cwynar 2 Comments

You followed along faithfully through my journey of PCOS and Endometriosis, but my story takes a very sad turn and here is where it gets even more personal.

Fetus week 9-10 (Photo credit: lunar caustic)

I shared with you about one of my miscarriages on the post about endometriosis, but after I gave birth to that second beautiful baby my husband and I decided we wanted more and we tried. I had no trouble getting pregnant to him he had an abnormally high strong sperm count, but I just could not bring these babies to term.

I would miscarriage anywhere from 6 weeks to 18 weeks. The later term miscarriages where the worse. The one that sticks out the most is when they decided to induce labor after the babies heart had stopped and make me deliver, granted the fetus at 18 weeks is about the size of a medium potato, the pain is not physical but the pain in my heart will last a lifetime.

They found out later one of the problems was I did not produce progesterone in early pregnancy. If I have every given advice in my life to a woman who miscarried and could not find a reason, it would be this “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Insist your doctor just let you try the progesterone suppositories” You just never know!!! They found this by fluke, it’s not something they really test or even look for. If your doctor refused, look for another doctor who won’t. It won’t hurt you!

Ectopic Pregnancies
Schematic drawing of variuos types of ectopic pregnancy. N=normal nidation a=peritoneal (abdominal) pregnancy b=cornual pregnancy c=isthmic tubal pregnancy d=ampullar tubal pregnancy e=fimbric tubal pregnancy f=ovarial pregnancy g=cervical pregnancy h=intramural pregnancy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My ectopic pregnancies came where my last two pregnancies. The first one I went into the hospital in pain but it did not rupture but the doctor who was on call rushed me for emergency surgery, instead of giving me a medicine that could have easily dissolved the pregnancy. I found this out 2 years later, that, that tube could have been spared and the second ectopic pregnancy may have never taken place.

The second ectopic pregnancy was an emergency situation, it burst at 6am in the morning and I did not know. I was uncomfortable, but I was very very hot. I got out of bed and went to take a shower to cool off. It was my oldest daughter who found me in the shower passed out. My husband (at the time) got me out and I remember talking to him but not what was said. He called 911, I remember the ambulance drivers asking me if I could walk, but at this time I could no longer speak. I remember being in the hospital and the anesthesiologist asking me questions to which I thought I was responding to, but nothing was coming out of my mouth, till I screamed at her I had already answered her.

My husband (at the time) told me my mouth was moving but no words where coming out, until I bellowed that scream. I was in pain and what I didn’t know then was I was internally bleeding so bad the blood was pulling around my heart and I was going into cardiac arrest.

Ectopic PregnanciesI remember hearing she may not make it. That was the last I remembered, then I woke up and found out I had to get blood transfusions and I would never have children again under any traditional method. That was something I learned ten and half years ago. I have never come to terms over it; I am still a bit bitter about it. Especially when I read about bad parents or mothers killing their babies and sticking them in trash cans.

After this ectopic pregnancy, my husband of the time, decided to walk out and start a new family.  What made matters worse about that is the constant lies from him, about wanting to fix our family, only to find out 5 months later he was expecting a child with someone else. Knowing I could not have children, I think this was the ultimate slap in the face, but in the end I will be ever grateful for him for giving me that lovely daughter you read about in the endometriosis post.

But, this is not yet the end of my story. I have one more installment and I am sure many of you are wondering what could possibly be next, but my next post is where I really need the readers of Parsimonious Pash to give me there insights. I am struggling with a very hard decision.

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Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: Ectopic pregnancy, Endometriosis, Fallopian tube, Health, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Surgery, Uterus, Wikipedia

Seriously… Secondary Infertility Endometriosis What?

June 11, 2013 by Melissa Cwynar 2 Comments

EndometriosisAs if my story ended with the PCOS life had to take a wicked turn. That beautiful little Christmas baby is older now and I wanted another child, as I told my story about her and her father passing away, I am now into the future in another relationship and the discussion of having another child is there.  We know we will face battles, but lately I have been worn down, very tired and for some off reason sex is very painful now.

 

Back off to the doctors, they can’t figure out what’s wrong, go figure this is starting to become a pattern with doctors not knowing anything. Keep in mind I am being shipped off to Pittsburgh where some of the top doctors are. I have seen all types at this point and many different gynecologists, including a female who was ex marine and she was enough to put me off seeing gynecologist’s period. I swear she thought she could.

English: Pills Polski: Pigułki
English: Pills (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Off to a new doctor, who tells me everything I have sounds like Endometriosis. He decided drugs where the choice of treatment. I was given everything under the sun, but the biggest was Lupron shots, which I gave myself, it was horrid I ended up with so many side effects and his idea of treating those where MORE meds!!! I was on so much, I was run down and miserable and then I had a TIA, which is a mini stroke from all the medications. I was done, I went off them all and said I would suffer, but during the course of all this the Endo got worse and the pain was debilitating.

 

I ended up having to see a pain specialist who started me on Percodan, that’s basically Percocet without the acetaminophen in it, since I am allergic to it. For those that don’t know, acetaminophen is the main ingredient of Tylenol.  When that stopped working they moved me to oxycontin, then to dilaudid and finally to a fentanyl patch.  I was a drooling idiot, but I was pain free. I was also missing out on watching my daughter grow up, she was between the ages of 4 and 5 while all this was happening. I couldn’t even make it down a driveway without falling asleep and drooling from the fentanyl. Enough was enough, I decided I was going to let them do more surgery at this point, we are up to about 16 surgeries between the endometriosis and the PCOS so why not another to have them “scrape” the endometriosis out.

 

Now this is where my story gets a little crazy. I am admitted into the hospital, pre surgery and a couple comes into my room and asks to pray over me. At this point, I don’t care what religion comes into the room, if they want to pray so be it, I am in pain and I just want it to stop. They pray over me, the woman has her hand on my forehead the entire time. I am a little freaked by this, but Eh, whatever.  I was raised Roman Catholic, later converted to Christian, but I can honestly say, while the prayers were of a Christian nature I had never heard anything like this before. It was also my first experience with someone talking in “tongue” which really freaked me out if you’re clueless about it.

English: localisation of endometriosis Deutsch...
English: localisation of endometriosis (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Okay back to the morning of surgery, I am prepped I am ready to go; they still have me on some heavy meds so I am very groggy.  I remember being wheeled down, but that’s it. When I woke up, I was still too medicated for the doctor to talk to me, so it wasn’t till that evening it comes into my room, sits down and says, well we have a problem, but it’s a good one. How is any problem a good one? I mean seriously, the word good and problem should never be in the same sentence.

 

So here is my good problem in a nut shell. When they went in to clean up the endometrioses, (oh and btw, it wasn’t just in the female areas, I had it also in a cavity in my back, on my kidneys, liver and stomach.) they found absolutely none!

 

Gasp! What? Now what’s wrong with me was my instant thought, how could I go from being the worst case the doctor ever saw to having absolutely none? Was it the power of prayer? Who knows, I have my own personal feelings on that, and don’t want to make this a religious post. But, they prayed, it’s gone and to this day I have never suffered from endometriosis again!

 

I was able to get pregnant straight out the gate, but sadly I lost the baby at 8 weeks. We had moved and I was seeing new doctors, the one I thought was good until I lost the baby and was crying and he decided to be rude and tell me “Oh well, it happens, get over it” How do you ever get over something like that, when you have been trying for years.

 

4 months after that I got pregnant again, I had a very harsh pregnancy and kept going through early labor. I was put on terbutaline to stop the contractions, at one point I had to be given shots of magnesium sulfate and let it be known that they where to save the baby over my own life, due to the fact this medication can have very bad effects on the mother and the mothers heart. Luckily we were fine, I suffer from heart problems now, that they think where aggravated by the magnesium and just made hereditary heart problems show up earlier then they would have.

 

I had so many early labor episodes, when I finally went in to have her nurse was sort of cold towards me and told me I was not in labor. She checked me and I was 1 centimeter and she was not even willing to call a doctor. She sent my husband down to get discharge papers. I was hitting the call bell screaming I had to push and she told me she would “humor me” and check. Well she checked me, and the baby was crowning, she had my husband called for to get back to labor and delivery stat, and she called my doctor finally, but he would never make it on time. I was seeing a high risk pregnancy doctor and a neo-natal specialist were supposed to be on call when I delivered. Due to this nurse’s action, the only person they could get there was a midwife, not knocking midwives, but she was not equipped to handle a delivery like mine with all the complication. She barely made it though; my daughter was delivered in a bed that was not prepped, by a nurse who kept demanding I not push. Sorry, women have been delivering babies for centuries and when its time, its time.

 

That little girl I was carrying is now 9 years old, active and for the most part healthy. She does have three forms of epilepsy, but, it’s managed with medicine. I would include a picture of her, but her father and I are divorced and our court order states her picture cannot be posted online, unless it’s private.  You will just have to take my word on the fact she is one of the most beautiful kids in the world.

 

Do you think this story ends here? Hardly, I wish, but it doesn’t. This is just one more installment in the long battle I have had with infertility issues.

 

 

Related articles

 

  • What Causes Infertility in Women?
  • Endometriosis – No Fun For Anyone!
  • Women With Low BMI are More Prone to Endometriosis
  • My gyn blew off my concerns. She was wrong. What now?
  • Infertility May Mean Endometriosis

 

 

Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: Body mass index, CFEngine, Endometriosis, False accusations, Health, In vitro fertilisation, Infertility, Light List, Men, Menstrual cycle, Microsoft, Nurses' Health Study, Pain, People, Pittsburgh, Polycystic ovary syndrome, Pregnancy, Surgery, Symptom, Tylenol, Uterus, Violence and Abuse, Wikipedia, Womens Health

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