I rarely got backlash when feeding my first son. I nursed him for 26 months and often did it in public without a nursing cover. I’m thankful that I never got told to cover up or stop even when I was nursing him when he was two years old, but I can’t say it has been the same with my second son.

Anyone who knows me knows that I had all the plans to nurse Gideon for just as long as Raiden, however things didn’t go as planned this time around.

I fought. I struggled. I cried. I bled.

And yet I just couldn’t nurse my son. He got a lip tie revision. He got a tongue tie revision. We went to two different lactation consultants for two months. Week after week. I tried pumping. I tried power pumping. I tried every type of milk boosting tip I could find. But I couldn’t get my supply up.

I was going crazy. I had a starving baby.

Yes, he got formula, too. That wasn’t even working.

I felt like I had failed my son and he was only 2 months old.

I felt like I had failed him because people were still pushing me to nurse him. I wanted to nurse him oh so desperately. I just couldn’t do it. I was stressed. I barely slept. I cried the days away. I would try to tell everyone I was done nursing and pumping to only get told to keep trying because my baby needed my milk. I knew this and people just didn’t want to listen.

Then Covid-19 hit and as odd as it sounds it was a blessing in disguise. I didn’t have to hear everyone tell me to nurse. Doctor appointments became fewer and more spread out.

Gideon started to really thrive. I was able to breathe again.

Things aren’t perfect now, but at least he is doing so much better. He has gotten the help he needs and now I can show people that he is doing so much better without my milk.

He is growing and thriving on his medicine and his special formula. He is thriving and hitting milestones because his has his momma back. I’m no longer beating myself up for something that was out of my control. Instead I am happy and helping him to keep growing in our own way.