My Road To Freedom

A Story About Adoption From The Birthmother’s POV

Note: This is/was the hardest thing I have ever written or shared with people before. I hope you enjoy and hope that it helps someone out.

Six years ago my whole world turned upside down. I was a young woman of 20 years of age and I found myself pregnant, living with my boyfriend on a very meager income. He was working at McDonald’s at the time and we were barely able to pay all of our bills and afford gas and food. There was no real logical way to afford a child on top of that. At that same time I was going through a rough patch physically because of my handicap and was filing for Social Security Disability with the state of Michigan. That meant I had a long wait for court seeing as the state was really backed up on court dates.

Making The Right Decision

I began to panic. I wasn’t sure what to do. How do you make the decision when you are so young and so inexperienced with life? I know there are many teen parents out there and I know many people had children young, including my ex-boyfriends parents who were twenty when they gave birth to him. I had gone through many years of my life telling myself that I would never have a child.

I was afraid to put a child through the suffering that I went through as a girl growing up with a handicap and that made making a decision that much harder. I knew I had three real options. The first being an abortion, the second adoption, and the third was keeping the baby and raising him or her on our own. I have never been completely opposed to abortion and know that for some it is a necessary evil. Many people will disagree with me on this and feel free to I will not be offended.

To be completely honest here, abortion was something I was considering strongly in the first few months of the pregnancy though I quickly realized that it would be physically, emotionally, and financially difficult for me to go through with. That was soon thrown out the window because I did not have the money readily available for such a procedure and yes I am reluctant to admit that I considered abortion as an option so publicly. I am admitting this here for the first time ever.

Finding The Right Family

Once I knew I was not having an abortion I began looking into adoption agencies and the like. I was nervous, scared, and had no idea what I was doing. I finally started looking at families out there that were looking to adopt a loving little baby. I honestly thought that this part was going to be the easiest part of the whole ordeal, but I was wrong.  I was very wrong. I felt it would be completely necessary that I disclose my medical history as well as my ex-boyfriends medical history as well. This proved to make finding a family even harder.

No one seemed to want to be given the chance to love and care for a special little baby with all of the possible health risks that the baby could potentially be born with. This threw me into a downward spiral. I became depressed and felt completely defeated. I began to think that maybe I was doing the wrong thing. I cried a lot and thought I was a terrible person. I even had some people say that I should have just had an abortion, but I kept looking anyway.

I went to another adoption agency and was sent three potential family’s information and one caught my eye. They sounded so perfect and their story was heart wrenching. It made me tear up and cry. I knew I had to contact them and from that first conversation with them I knew I had found the parents for my baby. I still cried a lot. I hated going for my check ups. The ultrasounds were unbearable.

The Pregnancy Turmoil

I went to all of my doctor appointments alone. I sat there crying during the exams because I knew I was doing the right thing and yet a huge part of my heart was breaking and the baby wasn’t even born yet. Before I got to the point of giving birth I made a few things clear. I knew I needed an open adoption. I could not have handled not knowing if my baby was ok, I needed to know if the baby was healthy and I wanted the family to be able to reach out to me if any health concerns came along. My next stipulation was that when the baby was born I did not want to see or hold him or her. For me that was a big concern. I knew my heart would burst if I held my baby. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to let go.

The months flew by and I was soon hit with the reality that not only was my birthday around the corner, but so was the birth of my child. I remember my birthday pretty clearly. It was a very sad day for me. My ex-boyfriend worked and I was home at the apartment alone. I had no one around, but the baby. I had chosen not to tell my family what I was doing because my ex-boyfriend had said that his could never find out. It made everything so much harder. I felt completely alone through the whole thing.

I did not feel like I was getting any support from my ex-boyfriend or our close friend. I cried whenever I was alone and I tried to be strong around my ex because it didn’t seem like he could handle anything else. I did manage to get through my birthday and the beginning of the next month.

Planning For The Birth

April was the last and final month before the baby would grace everyone’s presence in this world and after much discussion and many tests in the doctors office it was decided that I would have to have a Cesarean Section instead of a natural birth. I do not have enough rotation in my one hip which caused me to be unable to have a wide enough birth canal for a safe natural birth. We planned everything out so that everyone could be there and that was not easy.

We had to make sure it fit with the doctor’s schedule, mine, my boyfriends, and the adoptive parents schedule as well. On top of that I had all of the craziness of explaining to my doctor and the hospital staff about the adoption and how I wanted everything to work. The papers were written up to have my ex as my patient advocate in case anything happened during the surgery while I was asleep. We also had to make sure that the staff knew that neither of us wanted to see or hold the baby.

Everything was planned for April 30th. She would have a great birthday. When the adoptive parents told me that they wanted to meet beforehand I was excited and nervous at the same time. I could not say no to them. I really wanted to meet them and give them both hugs.

It took me a week to convince my ex to go out to dinner with me when I went to meet them the weekend before having the baby. The dinner was very nice. We ate and chatted. Talked about who we were and who they were as well as any medical concerns that I had and they had about the conditions that this little bundle of joy might have. And then we went our separate ways.

The Birth of a Special Little Girl

The day of the surgery was a tough one. I wasn’t all that prepared really. We rushed there and all four of us were taken in to fill out paperwork and again go through how the adoption was going to go. This meant giving them all the rights and things once the baby was born. Making sure the hospital had their information for billing purposes and everything else. Much of that day is a blur. I cannot remember everything that happened though I do have all of my paperwork from the hospital and lawyer.

From there I went and got ready for surgery which meant I was soon left with the doctors and nurses alone. Everything inside of me was shaking. I felt like my heart was breaking and I didn’t want anyone to see. I was thankful my ex wasn’t there even if I wanted a hand to hold as they put me to sleep. I remember seeing all of the smiling faces as I drifted off in the operating room.

My Hospital Stay

Over an hour passed. If I remember right it was actually over two hours by the time that I woke up. I was sore, sleepy, and all alone in a big room. I tried to sit up, but that was not going to happen. Silent tears streamed down my cheeks as it really sank in what I had just done. I had just given up my baby girl to another family. I was never going to hold her, she would never get to hold my fingers, or my hand.

I wasn’t going to be there for her first words, her first steps, or her first day of school. The reality of the situation was so hard. I hadn’t let myself think about all of those firsts during the pregnancy. I told myself to stop wallowing in what never would be and that is when I realized my ex wasn’t there. I panicked even more. I wondered if he had left, if this was all too much for him. My emotions were a mess and no one had answers when I asked them where he was.

My sense of time was no where to be. It didn’t help that I was still groggy from the anesthesia, but it felt like forever before he walked into the room with our friend from his work. Seeing them two made things so much easier for me. I cannot remember what was said or anything. I remember having more paperwork to sign and I remember lots of people coming and going.

I was in for two days which really didn’t seem too terribly long. My arms were terribly bruised as were my hands because I kept getting dehydrated and they would have to put in a new IV of Saline every time they thought I was doing well. When I finally left all I could think about was getting back to my life and moving forward.

The Aftermath of The Adoption

Getting home was hard. I had to walk slowly. I was sore and walking up the stairs to our apartment was hard and painful, but I pushed forward. I can be one very stubborn little bitch when I need to be. The next few days, weeks, and months were hard and things were not quite the same with me and my ex. We did not talk about what we had done. We acted mostly like it did not happen. I knew this was a bad way to deal with it, but I could not handle much else right then.

There is so much more to tell you about how I handled the aftermath and that is something I will share in a completely different post because that will be another epic post that I hope will help other birthmother’s out there not feel so alone like I did. Please stay turned to hear the next portion of my story.

I would also love to hear your thoughts and stories. If you have gone through anything remotely similar to this please feel free to reach out to me. Visit my Contact Me Page or leave me some comments and I will get right back with you.