Persevering Momma

Taking The Day One Spoon At a Time

I’m That Anxious Mom

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Yes, I am that anxious mom. I’m just not the type of anxious mom that you’re probably thinking of. I am not one of those clingy moms that is worried about every little thing that’s has to do with my son. No, that’s not me.

I am a mom with anxiety.

I have battled with anxiety my whole life and have always found ways to push through it, but man being a parent is hard work!

My anxiety has never been as bad as it has been since I became a mom and today I am admitting it to the whole world.

Being a parent isn’t easy and more often than not it is very stressful. When I am stressed things get rough. That is when my anxiety flares and I start to lose it.

When my anxiety hits I can’t sleep and I’m always tired. I struggle to force myself to be active and interact with my son and the people around me. I tend to have a short fuse and often become very emotional. This all often leads to me not leaving the house. I become a homebody because it’s just too hard to function in the real world.

It’s a daily battle and some days are better than others.

In the past two years my anxiety has never fully gone away. Some days are significantly better than others while some days I struggle to get out of bed. Battling anxiety with a child is tough because it causes even more doubt and even more anxious thoughts.

I’m not depressed, but there are days when I feel like a failure because I back out of a play date for my son or because I just couldn’t sit and play with him like I wish I had one day.

Prepping For Breastfeeding a New Baby

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Prepping to breastfeed your new baby can mean a variety of different things to different moms. New moms often feel lost and overwhelmed by everything that is out there. Even seasoned moms can feel overwhelmed by everything that is out on the market for nursing moms. It has been 3 years since I have shopped for breastfeeding supplies and I have done a lot of research as to what I will need this time around.

A Good Breast Pump

A good breast pump is a must have item for any new mom that plans to be away from their baby for an extended period of time. Most US health insurance plans offer a variety of different breast pump options for free. If you are low income and are on WIC this is also another way you can try to get a breast pump. I would recommend picking one with a closed system as those are easier to clean. In addition to an electric breast pump you might want to look into a manual hand pump or something like the Haakkaa breast milk collector. This works great to catch milk off of the free boob while the baby nurses on the other side. 

Milk Storage Bags

If you are pumping then you will want to look into milk storage bags. I liked the Kiinde Twist bags when I had my son 3 years ago because they stand up nicely. If you aren’t planning on having a big milk stash in the freezer then I would recommend these because you can pump directly into the bags with ease. However, if you plan on having a freezer stash I suggest you choose bags that freeze flat to help conserve space in your deep freezer. There are a lot of different breast milk storage bags on the market so you will want to do your research to see which ones work best for you. I liked the Lansinoh bags. For freezing your milk flat you will also want to look into the MAMMaway Freeze It Flat. I would recommend splurging and getting the double version so that you can freeze two at a time. If you will be pumping a lot then you might even want to invest in more than one of these to help speed up the freezing process.

Baby Bottles

Most people think of baby bottles for formula fed babies, but these are important to have if you plan to be away from baby at any time. We tried a million different baby bottles with my son and this time around we are going to try some different ones again. The Comotomo bottles are highly rated as great bottles for nursing children as they help to mimic the shape of the boob. We will also be trying the Evenflo Feeding Proflo Venting Balance bottles.

Nursing Pillow

A good nursing pillow is ideal for at home nursing because a nursing baby gets heavy after a few minutes. So, if you plan to nurse sitting up I recommend getting a nursing pillow. There is quite the variety of nursing pillows out there. I used the Boppy Nursing Pillow with my son, but I am looking into a couple of other options this time around. The Boppy was a little snug on me last time so I want to see if there is something that will fit around my plus sized curves better this time around.

My Baby Boy’s Birth Story

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My son is turning one this week and this milestone makes for the perfect time to share his birth story with the world!

Raiden Alexander’s Birth Story

The story of my son’s birth isn’t all that exciting, but it is one that I want to remember until the end of time.  We began our day bright and early; because I had a scheduled cesarean section we knew exactly when we had to be at the hospital.  I was the lucky duck who had to arrive at 5am, but was worried that the weather would cause our 30 minute drive to be an hour drive that I made us pack the car a little before 4am.

My instincts were slightly off and it only took us 30 minutes to get to the hospital and this meant that we were earlier than I planned for us to be.  It didn’t stop us though.  The front doors had just been unlocked to the hospital and we made our way up to the maternity ward.  I was pleased that they got us right in and we didn’t have to wait until 5am to get into a room.  This meant that we got me ready sooner than planned, but this was a good thing because as per normal it took a few attempts to get my IV in place.

It was after everything was in place that I thought I was going to die.  It was right around 6:30am when I got this god awful pain in my lower back and left hip.  I swear I wanted to double over from the pain. It was like no other pain I have ever been in.  I soon learned that I was having contractions and that they had moved into my back causing me this awful pain.  It was this pain that led them to bringing us downstairs to the OR.

You would think I should have assumed it was contractions, but with the random pains that I get on a daily basis I had assumed it was just one of those crazy pains. Boy was I wrong!

 

Prep Me Up For This C-Section

The next hour was a blur though it felt like it took forever! We sat in the OR prep room for almost an hour because the doctor was running behind. We had been having terrible storms that had caused us to miss my last pre-op doctor visit and caused my doctor to lose power in his home that morning.

Once I was brought into the OR things began moving forward though I hated being in their alone with all the doctors until they were ready to start the surgery. Once they were ready to begin and I was drugged up my lovely man came strolling in.

This is when it got interesting. No, seriously it did because I was a hoot. The morphine they had me on made me crazy loopy. There were times when I forgot what we were doing because I was do high on my medication. From what I’ve been told I had some real interesting things to say.

Lol.

I was thankful for pictures because I barely remember my baby boy being brought to me in the OR. It is one reason why I wish I hadn’t been so medicated.

But the medication had to happen because I never would have been calm enough on the operating table.

It hurts to say it, but I can’t remember my son first being laid on my chest in my room. I was still too drugged up. The pictures of him first lying on my chest are just too precious, but I wish I could remember the feel of him wiggling his way to my breast the first time to nurse.

Even with the spaces where I cannot remember things due to the medication I was on I couldn’t have had a better birthing experience.  The birth of my son is something that I was always remember and cherish.  I cannot wait until he is all grown up and I can share with him this birth story.

I would love to hear your birth stories in the comments below.

Breastfeeding Isn’t All Rainbows and Sunshine

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If you thought that breastfeeding was going to be rainbows and sunshine then you are in for one hell of a surprise.  You are doing what’s best for baby, but that doesn’t make it easy.

I read so many articles about how amazing breastfeeding is and it got me so excited to do it when Raiden was born.  Why shouldn’t I be excited?

Breastfeeding Isn't All Rainbows and Sunshine

I would be providing for my baby; giving him the food he needs to grow strong from my own body.

I would be creating a bond like no other with him from the skin to skin contact.

I would be giving him miracle juice that would help him if he got sick by providing him with the necessary antibodies to fight off the illness.

When Raiden was born I was so lucky that he was an easy latch. He ate his first meal from my breasts an hour after his birth. He wiggled and squirmed his way to my breast finding a home for him there. It was such a happy moment for me. I loved every moment in the hospital. I had constant skin to skin contact with him and I loved feeling him suckle on my breast.

We had our ups and our downs over these past three months, but this past week has been the hardest one yet. I live my little boy, but this week I have wanted to tear my hair out and cry at the same time.

Because it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

This week I suddenly had a drastic decrease in milk for an unknown reason. Nothing really changed. I sleep the same hours. I eat the same foods. I use the same products on my body. None the less my supply has been cut in half.

Raiden is needing 2-3 bottles of extra milk a day. He eats from my breasts and will still be hungry. Instead of pumping when he finishes I have to go prepare a bottle because I’ve been home alone during the day and he still isn’t happy being set down alone. He really won’t be set down without screaming when he is still hungry.

I was thankful for my frozen breastmilk the first day and half, but those five bags of milk quickly were gone. I had to resort to formula.

Finding a supplemental formula is freaking hard!

He is picky. I was thankful for formula samples because this boy was spitting out all of the formulas I was giving him. This made me ball my eyes out.

I felt like I was failing my son.

What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t failing my son I was doing everything I could for him and when I found a formula that he does like and doesn’t make me extra gassy it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

We are still battling this lack of production, but we are doing it with our heads held high…

Because I am a good mom and my son is showing that to me more and more each day.

How I Became the Parent I am Going to Become

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I have spent many years growing and blossoming into the young woman that I am today.  It wouldn’t have all came to be without the hardships that I have come across in my life, but I haven’t let them turn me into a sour person.  Instead I have turned my past hardships and decisions mold me and help me to grow as a person.  Growing up as a child with physical limitations I never knew what it would be like to be an adult and I feared being a parent, but as I aged that idea changed.  I then graduated high school and got myself into a bad relationship, where my daughter was born.

parent mom

I WILL BE A GREAT PARENT!

I gave her up for adoption knowing that I was not in a relationship with someone who would be a good parent.  I also knew that I was not ready to be a parent.  I was young and naive.  It took years for me to leave him and reunite with an old friend who was meant for me.  With him things grew and I became more and more ready for a child.  I have grown and realized that I am ready to be a parent.  I want to bring another child into this world; one that I can raise and care for.  I don’t think I would have come this far if it wasn’t for my open adoption.  I have been given the chance to watch my daughter grow and that has made me not fear my disability.  Instead it has made me want to become a mom and now I am being given that chance.

I know that it will not be easy to raise a child and I know it will be even harder for me to be the perfect mom, but I believe I can do it.  My confidence has grown and that right there will make a huge difference in how I raise my child.  In addition to this I know that I have a great support system in place with my family, my partner, and his lovely family that has already done so much for me.

This decision is what will make me a great parent, and a great mom because confidence is one of the most important factors in being great at anything.  I know that my younger self would not be able to do the best job at being a mother because I had no confidence in myself or anything that I can do.  Nothing is going to hold me back and you shouldn’t let it hold you back either.  I may have a disability, but that will not change the fact that I can be a great mother.  I will find ways around any obstacle that is placed in my path.